Cowboys vs Aliens - A review (with gratuitous memes)

Caution: Every plot twist is revealed. Spoilers are everywhere. Only read this if you don't plan on being surprised by the movie. Really, this is written so you will have no desire to see it. I suggest that you take the opportunity that is presented to you. 


Also I am not trained in the art of Meme's and I am not sure if they contribute or take away from this post. I mostly added them to break up the text.


We start the movie with our protagonist, Jake, who I am going to refer to as Drake for the sake of this summary. I just feel like Drake is a much better name for this guy than Jake. Jake comes off like Joey which reminds me of Kangaroos and there are no Kangaroos in Texas. So Drake is lying on the ground with some strange thing on his Arm. He tries to get it off but can't - even after hitting it with a rock!

Anyway, a lot of crap happens after this but all you need to know is that he ends up locked in a wagon and while there his bracelet starts going off. Well just then Aliens attack the village and destroy everything. But they also use these arm things to snatch people from the ground (imagine War of the Worlds except fast flying things instead of drones). He breaks out of his prison wagon and starts running around trying to fix everything when HIS BRACELET TURNS INTO AN ALIEN SHOOTING GUN! YES! So he shoots down one of the ships like a boss. Unfortunately the aliens have already done their damage and they take off. One of them though is left behind and he has to run away. So in the morning, a gang of people set off on their horses to follow this Alien's tracks.

Umm yeah ... just know that I am leaving a lot of stuff out and a lot of what I tell you will be on a need to know basis ...

So after a day of riding a storm breaks out in the night. Luckily they find a very large overturned pirate vessel in the middle of the desert to camp out in. That's right, a huge upside down boat in the middle of the desert. They briefly question this but then just choose to embrace it as a place to stay for the night. There is a singular rogue alien attack that they fight off and then they leave the next morning. The upside down boat is never mentioned again. It serves no other purpose. Wtf. Why not put a house or a cabin if it doesn't add to the story. The director is a lunatic!

So day two of escapades through the desert and they run into Drake's old crew from before he lost his memory. At first they want to kill him then they decide not to then they decide they will and then the aliens attack. The aliens steal this girl who has been along for the ride and Drake is like "Aww hell no bitch" and starts chasing this space ship on his horse. Of course he catches it, rescues the woman and they return to safety. Good on ya Drake. Right at that moment they get captured by pissed off first nations folk and get brought back to a tent camp for a roast. Oh also the girl dies. I forgot that, he didn't actually rescue the girl, just brought her back.

The Indians bring them back for a powwow and they throw the dead girl on the fire while the rest of the crew is beaten to the ground to watch. Drake is livid but too weak to do anything. Luckily, being thrown in a fire is exactly what this woman needed to bring herself back to life. She re-materializes and hovers out of the fire to the crew who are all tripping balls. This is where she explains that she is from another planet that was colonized/destroyed by these aliens. She tells them she came to make sure it didn't happen to earth.

Seriously. Nothing was stopping you from saying this way earlier. Like when they set off on the hunt for the aliens she could have said oh yeah by the way I'm magic (which she actually really isn't, she has no use except that she is from another planet) and I have past experience dealing with these guys ... I could probably be of some help. My second issue with this is that she brought no weapon at all to help her. Everyone else at least has a gun (we'll get to that in a bit) and then Drake has his alien laser. This woman/alien, who has dealt with aliens before brings NOTHING TO HELP. Come on! Whatever.

Oh and also there is this super rich guy in the crew who has a mexican slave that can fluently speak Appalachian and converse with the natives. On top of this magic girl can also speak Appalachian, which ... really shouldn't be the case. Magic Alien lady tells the native leader that Drake knows where the alien dugout is but he just can't remember. Well luckily Chief has just the potion to change that. He gives Drake this juice and then Drake just starts flipping balls, trippin' hard about memories and his wife and crap and we learn how he got the bracelet (Stole it when he was captured by the aliens) and things. Also he starts seeing this hummingbird and kind of follows him but kind of doesn't. Like the ship, this bird contributes nothing to the story. It's just there and weird.

During this segment Magic Lady also tells us about the aliens one weakness: they underestimate the humans. Thanks a god damn lot magic lady! That's super helpful. Also they are less good at fighting in the sunlight, but still pretty good. Oh and the reason they are trying to destroy the human race is to mine for gold, which even a lot of the crew consider to be a pretty weak excuse for an invasion. But don't worry, Magic Alien lady convinces them with a great line of dialogue "It's valuable to them too you know.". Deep shit.

So it's time for a plan. Drake and Magic Lady are going to go into the home/ship of the aliens and rescue all the trapped slaves + destroy the core of the ship. This makes sense since Drake is the only one that can kill the aliens. Everyone else decides that they will attack on the ground and shoot the Aliens with their pistols and bow and arrows, a strategy that thus far has proven to be completely ineffective.

So yeah ... this happens, the guns are weak, only kill the aliens at close range but this doesn't stop everyone from firing rounds at will from a distance into the aliens' back. The indians are actually carrying the team since they are using spears and big sticks to attack the aliens and that seems to be working. Drake and the girl rescue the trapped people and then magic lady starts to crawl to the core to sacrifice herself in order to take out the ship. Everyone but the main characters die in the battle. The main characters who lost loved ones are reunited with them in a very not touching scene. Magic lady blows the ship up about 100 meters off the ground. This is a really big ship made out of stone by the way, but absolutely no debris falls on the lovey touchy reunion below. Then they go back to the town and the rich asshole at the start of the movie decides to be nice to everyone and build a railroad track. The end.

A few Positives though:

• The dog survives the whole thing. 
• Didn't waste our time with a love story side plot. 
• Acting actually didn't suck

Movie gets a 3/100. Should be lower but I was really happy they didn't kill the dog.